Okay, so this weekend overall has been SO NICE. I don’t know if it’s because the sun has been starting to surface or it was because of how I spent it? Also, I had the biggest revelations and thus here is how it went…

First of all it did not go off to a good start (lol I know the title , very click baity) but I can explain. I had the most horrendous issues with my wisdom teeth getting infected from my night time grinding and then I had microneedling in the same week. SO I was just all fucked up in the face.

BUT aside from that the end of the week picked up and went pretty damn good.

AI, Artwork, Ethics?

I’ve always wanted to have pretty artwork to hang up in my studio in nice pinks, purples and tropical colours. So I thought WHY DON’T I PAINT IT?

I got some help from ChatGPT but the main painting is inspired by an awesome artist Arty Guava. I don’t know if this is unethical or not by it being heavily inspired (props and colours and all) from another artist and combining it with AI . I’m hoping it’s okay as it’s only been inspired by multiple different things joined together. Also, I’m not selling it. Please someone affirm me LOL . I’m only going to put it up in my own home and for personal viewing so I am presuming it’s okay. Plus my painting is not exactly like the artwork + chatGPT inspo.

I guess this would be another argument for ya’ll if you’re interested – leave a comment

Anyway, I wanted to do something unique like a self-portrait of me and my dog, Tofu and hang it up and voila here was the result What do you think?

Sculpture Class

Then on Saturday I had the first of 3 sessions of a sculpture class. This is my first ever time using air-dried clay and sculpting that around newspaper and tinfoil to create the form and O.M.G… I freaking loved it. I don’t know why but I’m a natural at sculpture?? I blame dyslexia lol. Something about building things with my hands just makes sense to me.

I made a figure of a girl’s face with hands on either side of her head, holding a bowl. She’s supposed to be an Aquarius lady (the water carrier). I might make the inside of the bowl all wiggly and textured like water and paint it blue, with the outside gold.

This is how it looks. It’s more or less done I just need to add more hair. Then wait for it to dry and paint it!

This is the design I drew up before the make. It sort of was more like concept art rather than build the final thing to look exactly like it. Well, this is what I tell myself when the actual thing turned out nothing like the picture I drew LOL.

This is the progress work done! There was quite a lot of prepping the skeleton and inner sort of formations which was really fun and I never knew this was done this way. Now in future I can probably get my own air dry clay and do a bit of stuff at home! You don’t need much. For example, for the sculpting tools you could probably make out of chopsticks, forms, knives and random bits and pieces you already have at home.

It was a full day and it made me so so happy ^___^

Proud of my Brother

Then the next day I went to Dishoom with my mum and realised… my self-esteem has improved SO much. Like, wildly. It’s crazy how good I feel in myself right now. My mum LOVES to tell me how good everyone else is doing and I used to feel like she compared me with them all and she probably does but it doesn’t trigger me anymore. I genuinely feel happy for all the people she speaks about especially my brother who I can tell she is VERY PROUD about.

He’s been an Electrical Engineering dude for about 20+ years within the Hong Kong rail/metro system and has been trying to start his own business for as long as I remember. But in the most random of things like selling Covid masks during Covid and then dabbling a bit with interior design, then he was like a body guard/personal driver person for famous people… and slowly he’s finally realised doing what he’s always done (Electrical Engineering kind of work) was the best decision as he had built up his reputation in the industry and had soooo many connections.

So yeh he’s now been running his Electrical Service company for about two years and he has contracts with the Hong Kong metro system to support all the things like the CCTV, electrical sort of stuff (not sure what else lol) but it’s doing extremely well. He’s expanding year on year and is set to make 2-3 Mill by next year! Which is crazy growth. BUT that’s not without the help of his wife who has been helping with his accounts/admin/finance side of things etc and also who got her uncle to invest in his company. So yeh – I think having that financial support in general gave him every he needed for that boost. He works CRAZY hard, even when he was in the UK he was constantly on his phone trying to sort stuff out with his contractors etc. And he said for the first 1.5 years he had to work his day job AND his side hustle and he barely slept. He said he’s still working loads but just glad he managed to quit his day job finally.

Sounds hard work but defo rewarding. My mum is super proud of him and I’m happy for her because I think she’s sort of been “judged” throughout the community for being the only single mum and I know how much of a struggle it was for her financial but also emotionally to just be strong.

Brunch with Mum & My Thoughts On Parental Psychology

And also it did make me think a lot about growing up, my mum kind of treated how she spoke to her sisters and brother. She’d say things like “you’re so stupid” when I didn’t get the grades she wanted or do what she thought was deemed appropriate. It could be borderline Narcistic Parenting style BUT it wasn’t done on purpose to F*** me up LOL. And I get now that she didn’t go about it the right way but I think the pressure and anxiety she was feeling -> plus I also think she has dyspraxia and is 1000000% on the spectrum in so many ways. I know you shouldn’t diagnose people but I just feel like my mum is not NT.

As a parent, you’re meant to make your kid feel safe to make mistakes. But she didn’t do that. She was raising me the way she was raised: her dad was strict as fuck, her mum was soft and nurturing. It worked for her because she had both. But with me, as a single mum, she had to go to work. She was exhausted. She could only bring the pressure, not the soft stuff. And I didn’t get that balance.

So I grew up insecure. Always feeling like I had to be perfect, or at least impressive. But crazy thing is I’ve managed to find my way through that shit. Healing piece by piece, decision by decision. Just making my own mistakes and coming out the other side has helped me build up a sense of self-worth that actually feels real now.

I feel like my journey has made me feel more safe to take some risks but with my own personal support? It’s sad but because I never had that support externally I just had to find it from within myself. And how did I do that? I did it by blogging. I became the voice and the support I’ve always wanted and dream about. The realisation made me so hurt that I cried. I always wondered why blogging meant SO much to me. I always thought I was doing it to connect with others but my purely subconcious drive was -> to be there for me. To be that supportive, strong, encouraging, forgiving and loving nurturing person in my life. I became that voice through all my blogs. That’s why I blogged and blogged and never cared if I had an audience and was able to maintain and continue blogging for 20+ years. And the community that it attracted? That was just a bonus.

So I feel like that has built even more confidence that whatever happens I have my own back LOL. Plus I probably have my mum to thank for that. For breaking me down so I can build myself up in stronger foundations hahaha. She probably seen what happened when she relied on others (for financial, emotional support etc)

My mum did her best with what knowledge and resources she had <3

I always had the freedom to do what I wanted, but what I didn’t have was the emotional safety to do it without shame or fear of judgement. I’d second-guess myself all the time. I’d walk my own path, then spiral wondering if I’d done something wrong. But I kept going. And with time, I realised: all those fears were my mums, not mine. She was advising me based on what she thought was best. And I’m proud to say… that even though I felt wobbly I didn’t listen one bit and pushed on

So yeh. I was kind of lucky that the two things I absolutely loved as a kid (design and programming) became the 2 careers that I worked in. Like HALLEUJAH I wish I was this intentional in dating LOL.

It was funny because my mum was explaining to me today how rebellious she was. Infront of her mum and dad she was “good” because they were so strict but in reality, she always lying to them. I mean who does that sound like? hahahaha

It is common for Asian households to respect their elders and live out their parent’s dreams. It’s sad but a lot of Asian culture is about bringing honour to your family and most of that honour is defined by the elders.

I took my own path. I chose creativity over security. I quit jobs. I changed careers. I went back to study computer science at 29, even though I was crap at maths growing up. I got my master’s. Became an engineer. Got promoted. Earned more money than I ever thought I would. And you know what? That gave me confidence in my own choices. Slowly, it rewired me.

Even when I failed, I came out the other side. Just living life helped me iron out the insecurities that had been baked into me as a kid. Insecurities that I wasn’t good enough to do what I’ve always wanted to do. Not confident enough to be happy with being just…. simply ME. Which is kinda sad?

That old forum post I made when I was 14 where I was panicking about becoming a programmer. I was scared there were people better than me, and that I wouldn’t make it. Always comparing myself with everyone in the world that are living different lives and paths – like WTH? . So I studied graphic design instead, because I was good at it. But I never really let go of that dream. And now? I’m living it. Like what the actual fuck?

Is working as an Engineer as good as how I imagined? NO But am I happy? YES Purely because it was something that I worked hard towards. It was MY dream that I achieved from applying myself. And that alone is worth it all

And this weekend, it all hit me.

This is what they mean, when they say your 30s are your best years.

Not because everything is shiny, perfect and super fun. But because you finally start to understand yourself. You begin aligning your life with who you truly are. Realising how much of your past has shaped your present and future decisions. And how much of your own brain has stopped you from being your full self. You stop living by other people’s standards. You realise what makes you happy and fulfilled—and you go toward it and you live it.

You start to see that your upbringing is what made you uniquely you, and you’re proud of that. Because everything you’ve achieved, and all the failures you’ve overcome, and all the healing you had to do, ALL OF THAT has made you more you.

And the best part?

Being 34 means you’ve still got your whole life ahead of you… but now you get to live it authentically as YOU. And that just feels exciting.